`(Thursday April 26, 2012. Janie Smuthers and I tour a planetarium.)
Smuthers: I still don't understand about the aging. Wouldn't they age the same?
Myself: Yes, but in different conditions. Because time is slowed down by the great speed at which he travels through space, the astronaut ages slower than his wife back home on Earth. Were she able to see through the walls of his spaceship with a telescope, to her eyes he would appear almost frozen. But inside the vessel, the passing of time would seem normal. A thousand-year voyage would pass as though it were only a few months.
(We come to a space capsule with its hatch ajar. An overhead sign reads 'Time Capsule: 1969'. I enter the capsule and sit down in the pilot's chair to tie my laces. Smuthers follows me in and sits next to me in the co-pilot's chair.)
Smuthers: And why are you telling me this?
Myself: To explain how the technology to leap forward in time exists right now.
Smuthers: Why?
Myself: Because I think I may have made such a leap.
Smuthers: You went into the future? To where?
Myself: To Saturday morning.
Smuthers: Ha! That's a good one.
Myself: Just listen. This is the last place I remember being before weird things started happening.
Smuthers: What weird things?
Myself: When I went to the library to update one of my blogs, the work had already been done.
Smuthers: What if you just did it and forgot about it?
Myself: Impossible. I would know. And look at this. (I hold out a hand for inspection.) Callouses from guitar playing. But I haven't picked up the thing in almost a week.
Smuthers: What about that cabinet you sanded?
Myself: That wouldn't do anything to my hands. And get this. I put my earplugs in on Friday night to block out the hooting and hollering. (I pull out my earplugs, show them to her, and tuck them in my shirt pocket.)
Smuthers: I thought you said there was a jackhammer running non-stop in front of your building all week.
Myself: Yes, but the worker never shouted a word.
(Commercial.)
(I familiarize myself with the controls.)
Myself: In the movie the time engine was activated by pushing on a lever. (I crank the lever forward.)
Smuthers: That won't do anything.
Myself: (looking around) Maybe you're right. Could you go get us some coffees? I'll wait here and double-check. (I hand her a coin. Exit Smuthers.)
(Enter a uniformed guard.)
Guard: May I see your pass?
Myself: You want to check my ticket? (I show the guard my fare.)
Guard: That won't do. All citizens must carry their passes with them at all times. Do you have documentation for that vehicle?
Myself: Vehicle? It's a public display.
Guard: It is unlawful to operate a vehicle without a license.
Myself: What? I wasn't driving it. I was only sitting in it.
Guard: Yeah? Well you can tell it to your lawyer. (He reaches for his truncheon.)
Myself: Now just hold on there.
Guard: I'm afraid you're going to have to come with me.
Myself: What did I do?
Guard: Don't make me use this on you.
(Enter Smuthers running. She jumps back into her chair and grabs the lever. With a pull, the threatening guard vanishes.)
Myself: You look traumatized. What happened?
Smuthers: (between huffs and puffs) It was awful. They changed their name from Sunrise to Nemesis. Death metal played softly and everyone glowered at me as I chose two 'Grande Mussolini's' from the menu.
Myself: You poor dear!
Smuthers: And that's not the worst of it. I saw something evil back there; something that would have made life in that time unbearable. I won't forget it as long as I live.
Myself: Good heavens! What did you see?
Smuthers: Artificial sweetener.
(Commercial.)
Boy: Hey, how long are you going to stay in there, mister?
Myself: Now look. I'm onto something very important here. The fate of the world could very well hang in the balance.
Boy: You've used up your time.
Smuthers: Maybe we should let him have his turn.
Myself: We can't let him in here! We must protect this machine from falling into the wrong hands!
Boy: Let me in.
Myself: Why don't you explore some of the other fascinating exhibits?
Boy: Because this one's of special interest to me.
Myself: Well, I can't let you in here.
Boy: Why not?
Myself: Because you're too young for it.
Boy: Too young?
Myself: That's right. I can't just let a child loose in here, pushing buttons for sport. It could change history from the way it is supposed to unfold in the future. Now go away! This ship is no toy!
Boy: You don't understand. I must get back in there. I'm seventy-four years old.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Commercial: The Shortcut Guide to Success
(A mother and her son watch a war movie on television.)
Son: Mom, can I be a war hero too?
Mother: Maybe if you work hard, you can be one when you grow up.
Son: Aw! I want to be a one now!
Announcer: Who says it takes a lifetime to achieve something historic? Get your glory when you want it with The Shortcut, the handy new guide to success in the modern world.
(An army recruiting centre. The boy is interviewed by an officer.)
Announcer: Learn how to wow them with your credentials.
Officer: You know, we don't normally put children in charge of fleets, but I can see from your resume that you are more than qualified.
Announcer: Discover how to make helpful connections.
(The Pentagon. A staff meeting is interrupted when one of the generals receives a giant birthday cake. A girl jumps out of it to hand him a note.)
General: (reading) Happy Birthday, General. (smiling) I'm going to have to thank that boy.
Announcer: No matter how far you go, The Shortcut will get you there.
(On board a ship during a battle.)
First Officer: Sir, the captain of the enemy ship wants to know what kind of flowers he should send to your mother for your funeral.
Boy: (Poring nervously over his copy of The Shortcut) Shut up! Can't you see I'm trying to concentrate?
Announcer: Save your struggle for when you've already made it. Take The Shortcut.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
(Saturday April 28, 2012. The time capsule display.)
Myself: (pushing buttons on the control panel) It took me two days, but I've managed to set the telemetry for Thursday April 26, 2012.
Smuthers: I thought you said we can only travel forward in time.
Myself: Yes, but time is round. If you go forward far enough, you hit the past.
Smuthers: It is not.
Myself: It is, and this will prove it. Now the success of this experiment depends on perfect execution in a tightly controlled environment. The slightest disturbance of these delicate instruments could steer us into a disaster of cataclysmic proportions. So don't make a move as I take the lever.
Smuthers: I wish you hadn't told me that.
Myself: What's the problem?
Smuthers: I have to sneeze.
Myself: Then do it now.
Smuthers: I can't.
Myself: Why not?
Smuthers: I can only sneeze when I'm not supposed to.
Myself: Try holding it in. (I reach for the lever.)
Smuthers: I can't. Ah… ah…
Myself: For God's sake, it's all in your mind! Now pull yourself together or we may never get out of here!
Smuthers: Okay. I'm in control.
Myself: You're not going to sneeze?
Smuthers: I'll breathe through my mouth.
Myself: That's better. (I take the lever and start to pull it back when Smuthers goes into a coughing fit, hitting my arm and sending the capsule into a Paleozoic landscape.)
Smuthers: Sorry about that. It couldn't be helped. I'm allergic to museum dust.
Myself: I hope you're not allergic to dinosaurs.
(Commercial.)
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